Could be

It was the frequent theme of all my parent teacher interviews. "Could be" - specifically "could be doing better". I suppose each teacher felt it was the right thing to say, but all of them together created a sort of cloud above my head - "I could be, but I wasn't".

I've been having a terrible time trying to do my research papers here. All the struggles and personal torment I encountered during university all have come back.

Its not that I can't apply myself - I think I apply myself wholeheartedly (indeed 一心). Those who knew me better would know that I perhaps overpassionately get into whatever subject/topic that holds my fancy. What I can't seem to do is apply myself wholeheartedly to a specific given task.

The current paper I'm working on (or I should say not working on) could really be done in a matter of hours. I don't find anything particularly hard about the subject matter or creating an outline or anything - but I can't seem to do it. I am however, doing a bunch of other productive things (with noticable vigor) - just not things productive to the task at hand: my overdue paper.

Its a funny thing to struggle with one's personal demons of the past. I've never really been able to put my mind to my studies, or when I took piano lessons. I could have short bursts under pressure (otherwise known as cramming), but the sustained work ethic just never developed. Many tasks - of which I had the potential to complete well - were never completed or else completed poorly. It is a very frustrating, discouraging thing.

I think for a long time I just felt like something was wrong with me - I couldn't 'work' like how others worked. I'm starting to accept the fact that I do work and think very differently from most people. I still need to learn how to apply myself to something like a paper - something requiring long-term, systematic work ethic.

Here's to learning hard lessons about oneself.