When the way is hazy...
Any of you who read my blog would know I was very excited about returning to Schloss Mittersill. But now doubt fills my mind. How does one begin to way big life decisions? The pros and cons, the weights attached, the resulting balance, the things to come... are all unsure.
I suppose at the core of it all is fear - if my decision is not "right". Which is silly, as a lot of these decisions are not an issue of right and wrong at all. Perhaps I simply fear being unwise - making a foolish decision. The kind of foolishness that comes back to haunt - "why in the world did I do that??" "How could I have been so blind?" The hidden results of a decision made... this saying will not be forgotten: "Saying yes to one thing means saying no to another".
Eh now I'm getting melodramatic, there is a part of me that says it'll be cool whether I stay or go, just choose already. Haha as per typical Allan style I think I'm overanalyzing it to death perhaps... I was reading a book on leadership, one of the qualities of a leader the author praises is the ability to take "calculated risks". A leader can never know the final outcome, but he can have a dream and take a calculated risk to achieve it. Where is that leadership in me now?
But time is moving fast, if I do plan to go back in mid-late January I need to start looking for people to sponsor me asap. Aye all my demons of old taunt me - accusing me of irresponsibility, abandonment, calling me a fool - Jonah. My God, my friends, my family, my dreams in Winnipeg - think not less of me if I go.
3 comments:
hmm... so perhaps at the core is really fear of guilt?
tell me if there is an algorithm to the best decision making because i sure would want to know.
but what i learnt from you is not making the best decisions but the attitudes facing the consequences of our decisions.
Thanks for the encouragement guys, its weird how emotions can swing suddenly and everything.
Knuckles - yeah I do think a lot of it is founded in guilt, hmm good insight.
hk guy - good, because I rarely make the best decisions! lol
An algorithm? Well actually I do have one:
1. Assign two values: A and B
2. Assign values of goodness to every possible outcome in life
3. For any decision between 2 possibilities do the following:
3.a. For possibility 1, add up all the values of goodness that will come out of choosing possibility 1 to sum A
3.b. For possibility 2, add up all the values of goodness that will come out of chooing possibility 2 to sum B
3.c. Continue outcomes until life expentency has been reached
4. Choose whichever possiblity yields a higher goodness sum (comparing A and B)
Not a very practical algorithm.. but the sooner my brain starts the calculations the sooner I should be done...lol (o.o)
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