I'll do it later

"One of the lessons of history is that nothing is often a good thing to do and always a clever thing to say." -Will Durant

Procrastination is a funny thing. Its a way of life for students. Acknowledged by all, hated by most, and joked about and almost flaunted by many. I read a couple interesting articles on procrastination, started from this Slashdot post, interestingly the first article suggests that procrastination can be good. Check em out:

Good and Bad Procrastination
Structured Procrastination

Great opening question from the first article: "The most impressive people I know are all terrible procrastinators. So could it be that procrastination isn't always bad?" The second article just makes me laugh. Sadly it seems so true though... lol

Some interesting ideas here to be sure. If we're putting off less important things to do more important things that's good right? I'm pretty sure Albert Einstein put off cleaning his room from time to time while finishing up the theory of relativity... a few thoughts on these issues though:

-Priorities: This is assumed that you can properly assess what things are important. This has large implications both ways. What I've been learning about life is that the seemingly small things are not so small at all. As Oswald Chambers remarked "It is ingrained in us that we have to do exceptional things for God—but we do not. We have to be exceptional in the ordinary things of life." We may easily thing petty things crucial, and mislabel the great things of life as fluff.

-Balance: "Saying 'yes' to one thing means saying 'no' to another". So say if I devoted myself to yo-yoing, yeah that area of my life would blossom, but it comes at a cost. These "impressive people" may be impressive in certain areas, but by consequence of being highly devoted to one thing - they are less devoted to other things. We simply cannot do everything.

-Perception/Expectations: Often I heard conversation along the lines of: Tom: "yeah I'm a bad procrastinator". Dick: "no you have no idea, I'm the worst procastinator". Besides that weirdness of bragging about procrastination... Perhaps its our overproductive, overbusy society - but we all have this view that we are never doing enough. Now then it could just be that our standard of productivity is just warped. This can easily lead to guilt and despair - neither of which are terribly motivating. I think we need to learn to give ourselves a break and learning to set reasonable expectations.

Part of me is a bit adverse to the Structured Procrastination idea... trying to produce good from our natural tendency to avoid the large tasks on our mind.. lol

Thoughts? Secret confessions of closet procrastinators? :P

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Life Together

Currently Reading Life Together by Dietrich Bonhoeffer



My job actually has resparked my interest to be reading more, and when things are quiet I can get in a few chapters everyday which is nice. I had read Bonhoeffer's Cost of Discipleship (Link) and am finding Life Together to be an amazing book. Its about Christian community - what it really means to have fellowship and to live together as the body of Christ.

The book is incredibly packed. I've read the 20 page first section a couple times, and I feel that I have to reread it some more to really digest what Bonhoeffer is saying. I feel that in 20 pages he so clearly identifies our misconceptions about fellowship. I've been extremely challenged by it. I've been meaning to read more Bonhoeffer, but what really pushed me was noticing that Schloss Mittersill specifically listed the book as being influential in shaping how they do community life.

The accolades are impressive, Richard Foster, author of the staple The Celebration of Discipline (a fine book also) wrote this high praise: "Most books can be skimmed quickly; some deserve careful reading; a precious few should be devoured and digested. Life Together... belongs to the third category."

I have been debating what snippet of the book I ought to share with you all... perhaps the one on the forefront of my mind is Bonhoeffer distinguishing between human love and spiritual love:

Human love is directed to the other person for his own sake, spiritual love loves him for Christ's sake. Therefore, human love seeks direct contact with the other person; it loves him not as a free person but as one whom it binds to itself. It wants to gain, to capture by every means; it uses force. It desires to be irresistible, to rule... Human love makes itself an end in itself. It creates of itself an end, an idol which it worships, to which it must subject everything. It nurses and cultivates an ideal, it loves itself, and nothing else in the world. Spiritual love, however, comes from Jesus Christ

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A thousand words...

Reuters and Time both released their best pictures of 2005.

Check it:

MSNBC's Year in Pictures
Reuters' Pictures of the Year
Time Magazine's "Year in Pictures"
BBC's Year in Pictures

Some amazing shots. Some look a bit unrealistic... The MSNBC waterfall shot must have been on slow exposure, but the monks came out in focus. Hmm dunno. Anyway thought you might enjoy. Eagerley awaiting BBCs to come up, will add the link when it does.

Oh yeah btw, I'm leaving January 24th for Schloss Mittersill, booked my tickets. The combination of being gone last summer, working evenings, the holidays, and the idea of going back has made me realize how much I'll miss all of you. I hope I will have a chance to spend time with all of you before I leave. Grace and peace to all of you in this Christmas season.

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Surprisingly Undeep

I'm standing here. I look around for a moment - to remind myself if I really am where I think I am. Yup... to be perfectly clear: I don't want to be where I am. There's countless other places I could think of being - places I would much rather be.

Life is like that. We often find ourselves in places we don't want to be. Confuscius say "road to growth, easy it is not"... or maybe it was Yoda... Life's like that, you have to give something to get something. Strength is the product of struggle. Want patience? Try waiting. Want wisdom? Try making some mistakes and then looking back.

Its a tradeoff that fortunately is not always in our power to choose, it seems we are invariably faced with these less than appealing aspects of life. Ergo, our natural reflexive reaction is less than positive. The famous saying "the price of freedom is eternal vigilance" comes to mind. We all like freedom, but if it costs us eternal vigilance, then screw freedom! ...oh wait I take that back, freedom is pretty good and pretty important to me.

Ginny Owen's song is moving... If you want me to:

The pathway is broken
And the signs are unclear
And I don’t know the reason why you brought me here
But just because you love me the way that you do
I’m gonna walk through the valley
If you want me to

"But I don't want to be here" I cry... I want to fly... I want to be elsewhere - becoming who I want to be... discovering who I really am? Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the LORD's purpose that prevails (Prov 19)... His plans are good too, and good for me... and then the second verse of If you want me to rings so close to home:

It may not be the way I would have chosen
When you lead me through a world that’s not my home
But you never said it would be easy
You only said I’d never go alone

I let out a deep sigh. 1 part dissatisfaction, 1 part faith, 1 part trust I tell myself... hopefully... I shrug my shoulders, zip up my jacket and walk into Convergys. Scheduled to work xmas eve, xmas, NY's eve, and NYs...

Can't deprive you of the chorus to the song:

CauseI’m not who I was
When I took my first step
And I’m clinging to the promise you’re not through with me yet
So if all of these trials bring me closer to you
Then I will go through the fire
If you want me to

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Globalize this

Heh I being at work on the computer at work means I'm blogging lots...

Wouldn't want to be this guy:

More Pics(BBC)

I've never had any personal encounters with pepper spray but that's gotta be pretty painful... was chatting with rob last night who lives out in HK, and how there are big WTO protests as WTO is meeting there right now. Buses suspended from going to the island where the talks are held... (Edit - BBC put more pictures up here)

Its an issue I wished I thought more about, and knew more about too. I mean the shoes I'm wearing, the clothes I'm wearing, so many of the items around us we have - they were all made halfway around the globe, perhaps in less than pretty circumstances, with barely any benefit to the hands that made them.

I'm no expert, but heres my quick lowdown on the WTO stuff if you haven't heard much about it. WTO is the World Trade Organization, usually associated with globalization. They promote free trade, i.e. opposing trade tariffs, restrictions. The main beef is when you have such powerful and rich people calling the shots in free trade, then the smaller poorer countries are going to get screwed over. Free trade then can create extremely competitive prices that means some producers/growers are going to get screwed over. BBC has an excellent In Depth section on these world trade issues (Link) and Wikipedia has a detailed article on the WTO also (Link)

So what can someone like me even do about such things? Certainly we cannot vote on WTO, etc. Perhaps what we buy becomes our vote? We've all heard of the stories - and many of them true. Nike employees in some south east asian country being paid 2 cents for every shirt they produce. I recently bought a great documentary looking at some of these corporate problems (The Corporation, Reviews). Feel free to borrow it from me.

I think its good for us, especially as citizens of one of the richer countries that historically has gained a lot more from free trade than other poorer countries to be aware of the situation out there. The global economic situation seems dire... still over a billion people living on less than $1USD a day. The fact that free trade might make things WORSE for those people makes some people pretty pissed off. Pissed off enough to protest even at risk of getting a faceful of pepper spray (see above).

Some companies are trying to make a difference, economically and environmentally. One such company I respect is Mountain Equipment Co-op, who in their mission state they specifically seek good and fair compensation and working conditions for those producing their clothing/backpacks. But even then its tough to be competitive - MEC used to have a lot of its clothing and backpacks produced right in Canada, but I guess competition/greed has pushed them back to almost outsourcing all of its production, but it is clear that they are firm on being socially and environmentally responsible, as seen here.

As for me? Maybe I should be a little more pissed off.

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WOW

Starting Xmas I get day shifts at work!! 8:15-4:45 for the entire week of the 25-31st, I'm assuming I'll be getting days from herein! Wow I just might keep working here longer afterall... :P Its an especially pleasant surprise because we were told not to even imagine day shifts until after our 3 months of probation were done.

Right now scheduled to work xmas day 8:15-4:45 dunno about that (>.<) I should probably talk to someone about that. "Religious observance" anyone? lol.

Wow I don't even know what to say. Mind you I'm sleeping around ~6am everyday, so starting work at 8:15 is really going to kick my ass for awhile.

On other reflections... should try taking myself less seriously

Edit - Probably a premature celebration... some other employees were saying we're just getting day shifts for a week. If this is the case I'm going to yell at someone. Asking people to switch their sleeping hours by 7 hours for one week is pretty bogus if you ask me. I'll have to find out for sure *crosses fingers*

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It was perfect....

Its the sort of evening you dream about. There is a light snow falling... the temperature just around -5. The glow of the streetlamps creates a candlelight-like aura. The snow crunches underneath me, but I barely hear it under my breath. My legs feel pretty good - although my heavy breathing lets me know my cardio is suffering. I really had to get out of the house - one of those times where you need something to feel alive again. I hadn't gone for a run in a long time... but here I am.

It feels good to push myself. I pass by many shovelling their driveways, who momentarily gawk at me as if enjoying a winter run was a thing unfathomable. Its here, while I am pounding away on the concrete or the pedals of my bike that I feel so free. What pulls at my heart is the purity of intention - when one sets his simple and humble goal of getting from point A to B. Theres no pretense, no alterior motives, just you, your destination, and the kilometers of ground between. Its such a refreshing contrast from the complications of life.

There's a stillness about the streets... as you run down a street and just see the freshly fallen snow, the darkskies and streetlamps... I am loving it. Suddenly my body wants to stop. Without a fight I start to walk, my lungs gasping. "Am I quitting already?" I glance at my watch... 10 minutes. A far cry from the hour run I did a couple months ago. Again the battle seems before me... I could quit. No one would care, no one would see. It seems such a glorious microcosm of my life... the battle is here and now. I want to push on... after this short contemplation I get myself into a jog again and push on. As I get going again, I start to ask "What am I trying to prove anyway? Why am I here?". It feels good to push the questions out of my mind for a moment and just keep pounding away... The journey from point A to B doesn't require my incessant analysis, and I am glad for that.

I reach about 17 minutes, and somewhat more satisfied I start my cool down walk... I had wasted my entire day so far but it is good to exert myself. The runner's high hits a few seconds into my walk... the adrenaline and endorphines rushing up from inside. Its nice, I feel alive again. 17 minutes... all I need to do is triple my time/distance, and do a 1.5km swim and 40km bike beforehand... "triathlon in summer 2007" I tell myself wistfully, but shake my head.

If only life were as simple as tonight's run, or my frequent bike rides when I push and push myself with a single goal in mind. Tonight was nice... "perfect" I tell myself... well "almost perfect" quickly correcting myself. It was a quick 20 minutes, but it was just what I needed. Upon touching the doorknob of my house I am immediately jolted back to the real world. "Oh I gotta be at work in 20 minutes" I think as I hurry in and close the door.

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The unglorious trenches that must be held

Yesterday night I was tempted to buy Band of Brothers, a miniseries based on WWII stories of the famous airborne regiment Easy Company. Theres something about war stories thats so appealing - perhaps its the adventure, the glory, the chance to test and see what you're really made of.

Aye what a beautiful letdown it is. Its funny how that works out - especially as Christians we want to do great things. The beautiful letdown is when we are faced with a difficult struggle - one that is not glorious nor adventurous. It is painful, slow, filled with drudgery - the type of battle that is infinitely easier to avoid and ignore...

Perhaps blogs are meant to vent... I don't know. Maybe I'm the type of person who almost has to wear his heart on a sleeve. Alas another lot has fallen to me, no plans to get into the specific details here. Theres a mix of feelings - why me?. If it is for the greater good (which I do believe it to be), then this is selfish response to be sure. So I tremble - will I be the man?

I'm learning that the battle is not won on the spotlight of this world. It is these unglorious trenches - when everything in you wants to quit or run away and hide. No one would see, no would know. One episode of Band of Brothers a soldier shares his shameful confession. That on D-Day when they stormed the beach, he got seperated from his platoon, and ended up in a hole well concealed. He confesses that he never tried to find his group, that during all the battle he hid. No one knew, no one had to know. But he makes his confession, and from there he takes up his responsibility, his calling, and his purpose and fights from then on - wow.

Chambers words echo and haunt once more: "It is ingrained in us that we have to do exceptional things for God—but we do not. We have to be exceptional in the ordinary things of life." O that we would stand by the grace and strength of God in our unglorious trenches and fight the battles that fall to each of us.

Edit - Oh my I've glanced over my last few posts... far too serious, introspective, meh ai yah. OK some humour to lighten to mood. Although stay tuned, I think my next topic will try to address - why is it so easy and common for people to share relatively intimated and personal reflections on blogs anyway???

Some good times working at Convergys (all true):

Me: Thank you for calling Comcast. My name is allan, can I please have the phone number on your account starting with area code?
Some guy: *starts dialing*
Me: Uh.. could you just tell me please?
-
Me: Ok, now that we did that could we try opening up a web browser and lets see if you can get online.
Lady: Heck no! I only know how to turn this thing on
Me: *presses mute button and groans*
-
Cool NYer: Yeah man I feel ya
Me: Uh.. haha (considers saying "ya I feel it too brotha, but wisely doesn't)
-
Me: Ok could you turn off the computer please?
Lady: *presses button on the monitor* Ok theres nothing on my screen now
-
Lady: So why are they called cookies anyway?
Me: you know what? I have no idea... no one's ever asked me that before (and I still don't know!

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Impulse vs Stability vs Passion

If I look at my life I see hobby after hobby gone by. I find myself switching hobbies/passions very frequently. I've never been to sure what to make of this. I find when I'm into something I tend to get way too into it, and then a few months later I'm switching hobbies. Maybe I just like to be learning something new - or perhaps I develop unsustainable behaviour over my hobbies? hmm

Anyway my latest project was completed last night, at least the first phase. The 1st year med students this year are taking part in an fundraising project for HIV/AIDS relief in KwaZulu-Natal, a province of South Africa where 36% of adults are HIV infected! Yikes - anyway I got onboard to design and make their website. Just finished it last night at 6:30am... lol maybe that answers my question about "unsustainable behaviour". Take a look, I'd like some feedback/suggestions. http://simunye.webhop.org. I was mostly aiming for something with a pretty clean look.

So yeah maybe sometimes I pursue too many things, which leads me to want to understand impulsiveness vs passion vs desire. This question started after reading a particular devotional by Oswald Chambers (whose teaching I hold in high regard) which basically said that impulsiveness goes against everything a Christian disciple is trying to become. That Jesus was never impulsiveness, but there a calm strength that might result in doing very "loud" and passionate things, but that it isn't impulsiveness. This can get into semantics, but he seems to define impulsiveness as "thoughtless action", which it probably is.

I get a lot of impulses - I think we all do. I guess the true mark of a mature disciple is restraint and reflection too. Then on, sometimes we may know the right thing to do right away, in which case we should just do it. Come to think of it, "impulsiveness" is a pretty good term to describe children. Here's to growing up *raises glass*

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A sober view

Last Friday Terry gave a talk at youth group, somehow age came up and he said something along these lines: the older you get, the easier it is to rationalize yourself. Which is pretty scary, when I consider how easy it is already to convince myself that I'm right, and what I want is right, and that pretty much everyone else is wrong.. lol. Pride runs deep, it will do all it can to try to glorify the self and put itself above everyone else.

For the kingdom come, kingdom come
Your kingdom come
Won't you let me down, yeah
Let my foolish pride forever let me down
   -Beautiful Letdown by Switchfoot

I think theres a part of all of us that wants to be great. Whether in the eyes of certain people, others, what we think God's eyes see, our own eyes... hmm. We want to be special, recognized, glorified. I want to share a teaching by Oswald Chambers again, its a toughie but a goodie: It is ingrained in us that we have to do exceptional things for God—but we do not. We have to be exceptional in the ordinary things of life, and holy on the ordinary streets, among ordinary people—and this is not learned in five minutes. (Link).

Teach us to walk the humble path...

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When the way is hazy...

Any of you who read my blog would know I was very excited about returning to Schloss Mittersill. But now doubt fills my mind. How does one begin to way big life decisions? The pros and cons, the weights attached, the resulting balance, the things to come... are all unsure.

I suppose at the core of it all is fear - if my decision is not "right". Which is silly, as a lot of these decisions are not an issue of right and wrong at all. Perhaps I simply fear being unwise - making a foolish decision. The kind of foolishness that comes back to haunt - "why in the world did I do that??" "How could I have been so blind?" The hidden results of a decision made... this saying will not be forgotten: "Saying yes to one thing means saying no to another".

Eh now I'm getting melodramatic, there is a part of me that says it'll be cool whether I stay or go, just choose already. Haha as per typical Allan style I think I'm overanalyzing it to death perhaps... I was reading a book on leadership, one of the qualities of a leader the author praises is the ability to take "calculated risks". A leader can never know the final outcome, but he can have a dream and take a calculated risk to achieve it. Where is that leadership in me now?

But time is moving fast, if I do plan to go back in mid-late January I need to start looking for people to sponsor me asap. Aye all my demons of old taunt me - accusing me of irresponsibility, abandonment, calling me a fool - Jonah. My God, my friends, my family, my dreams in Winnipeg - think not less of me if I go.

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